Damaged Goods

It's been tested: I've tried googling my first name and "diabetes" and even "blog" to see if my blog would show up in the search results. Although when I type in "Super thirsty" and diabetes, my blog is first hit. I think I'm relatively safe. But how permeable is the internet? I guess if someone knew I had diabetes and put effort into finding my blog, it wouldn't be too difficult. Even though I don't restrict anyone from viewing my blog, it still feels like it's in a relatively safe sphere of my life. One that doesn't overlap with my (relatively) new work place. I don't intentionally keep diabetes a secret. I test and give myself insulin while sitting in front of my computer. If my neighbors paid attention, they would hear the "beeeep" of my freestyle meter once the strip has had enough blood and the "bee beep" after seven seconds. Nevertheless, it's been three months and some of my co-workers are just learning that I have diabetes. The hardest question (and I've only been asked this once) - is how long I've been diabetic. I skirted the question by saying "Yeah..a while..." and quickly moved on to other aspects of diabetes. Because it ties so closely to why I started working at this new job (for a more reasonable work life balance), I feel uncomfortable about letting people know that was a key driver. Pardon my analogy, but it's like telling someone you date them because they're good looking, rich, or just happened to be there... I know it's not the right way to think about it, but it almost feels I would be saying "Haha trick's on you. You hired a lemon!" But the truth is, diabetes hasn't changed my intelligence or my competency. Maybe once in a while it will require me to have a snack, but people are constantly eating where I work anyway. So what's the big deal then? I don't know. I can bare my soul to people I've never met, but it's harder with people I know.

I've also begun to wonder, by acknowledging certain stigmas, do we already internalize the negative effects? To be honest, there are times where I have to fight pretty hard internally to make myself believe that developing this diabetes doesn't make me "damaged goods". When my dad first came to San Francisco to visit me after I got out of the hospital, he said somethings with best intentions in mind, but just (to me) implied really terrible things that hurt my feelings. Things that were said out of love, but made me feel like I was about to become an invalid. Diabetes doesn't make me less of a person. It doesn't have to be a disadvantage when it comes to living, making money, finding love, finding happiness. But why do we have to make an effort to accept this truth if it is such? I guess nothing worthwhile is ever easy to obtain.